Memories for sale

kankraka @ 2009-12-13T17:10:00

2009-12-14T00:09:11Z

i hate christmas the most....

..it just reminds me of how you aren't here.

Oh yes

2009-09-07T18:40:51Z

She -lives-!

Led Zepp..

2009-08-10T22:23:14Z

Hey fellas, have you heard the news? You know that Annie's back in town?
It won't take long just watch and see how the fellas lay their money down.
Her style is new but the face is the same as it was so long ago,
But from her eyes, a different smile like that of one who knows.

Well, it's been ten years and maybe more since I first set eyes on you.
The best years of my life gone by, here I am alone and blue.
Some people cry and some people die by the wicked ways of love;
But I'll just keep on rollin' along with the grace of the Lord above.

People talkin' all around 'bout the way you left me flat,
I don't care what the people say, I know where their jive is at.
One thing I do have on my mind, if you can clarify please do,
It's the way you call me by another guy's name when I try to make love to you.
I try to make love but it ain't no use.

Work so hard I couldn't unwind, get some money saved;
Abuse my love a thousand times, however hard I tried.
Heartbreaker, your time has come, can't take your evil way;
Go away, Heartbreaker.

scared...

2009-06-15T07:47:20Z

None of you can possibly understand what it's like to always be right about the things you fear the most, and have no possible control over the outcome at all, all you can do is brace and watch it come... the fear and anxiety taking you over until finally it hits you, and it's worse than anything you could have possibly expected.

I feel sick....

kankraka @ 2009-04-19T22:30:00

2009-04-20T04:32:24Z

......What do I do....

kankraka @ 2008-10-07T22:09:00

2008-10-08T04:11:30Z

To everyone who feels the need to tease and giggle at anyone who is caught saying "I love you" over the phone to someone needs to get the fuck out of junior high. And anyone ashamed of saying "I love you" out loud proudly shouldn't be saying it.

Today

2008-10-06T04:16:02Z

Today was absolutely AWESOME!!! Kaylie came over early, we made pancakes, did a few dishes, tidied up the apartment and basically had the most awesome day ever!! The apartment being so clean is really awesome, really opened my living room up, can't wait for the new couch! It's really feeling like a home, especially when Kaylie is snugglin' on the couch beside me!

hee

2008-09-08T02:09:00Z

Even with my day being shorter than I had hoped it would, it was still an absolutely great day :). I had a lot of fun!

Stuff and things

2008-08-26T13:38:45Z

So it's been a while since I've updated, have a few minutes before leaving for work. Since being unemployed, I have found an amazing job, though their policy on over time seems to suck ass, but at least I get paid I guess, it could also be a -lot- worse. I moved out of my previous room mates basement because he's a loser and his girlfriend is an epic stupid bitch, and I don't have to deal with her crap any more, instead I get to relax, do as I wish, whenever I wish, and never worry about what some exceedingly stupid person is going to say about it. Living on your own is the best thing ever, seriously, everyone must do it at one point cause it's awesome.

Things with Kappy have been progressing so well too, a lot of happiness and spending piles of time together lately. I really love her, and I'm happy things are going so well.

kankraka @ 2008-04-05T22:17:00

2008-04-06T04:17:42Z

Yup, I do like this happy feeling :)

I need some advice LJ!

2008-04-05T03:14:04Z

Ok, I've worked at this place for going on 6 months now. The job is.. meh, it's a health hazard, it's relatively easy though. I inhale a lot of terrible fumes due to the fact our air exchanger isn't ever on. I'm told it doesn't work, which is why it's off. Ok, I can dig that, I mean, we work close to a busy road, it's not like I'm gonna be saved by that air exchanger.

All the terrible health aspects aside, this job still sucks hard for one reason. My co-worker.

Flat out he's an asshole. I won't be naming any names other than my own through this, to keep this legal and all.

Since near day one I've been putting up with being called several derogatory names, such as gay, fag, faggot, the french word for masturbate, fat, fat piece of shit, piece of shit, nigger, jew, and a plethora of other names. I've been accused, on several occasions of actually being a homosexual, with guys in general, and my room mate, without any reason, or proof, or.. anything. I've constantly had my intelligence called into question, and he's gone so far to call me retarded many, many times. It's not just verbal attacks either, it's also physical. I get things thrown at me, i get hit, slapped, pestered, threatened with large objects, no matter how many times I've said stop, it continues. I've also had to deal with his constant viewing of porn at work, and it's never pretty. He'll tell me to come over and look at something, and I'll see things no on really wants to see, I've been walking by, and he's turned the monitor to face me to see the same sort of material. Not only does this violate some dealy in our workplace policy, but it also allows him to come up with new material to piss me off with. He'll go on and on in great detail about how I would have sex with extremely obese people (no gender is spared), how I'd eat their feces, and lick their 'rusted hole'. There's far more details, and maany many more instances where I have been belittled in so many different ways. The problem is that I can take razzin', I can take it when it's done just in fun.. however that line was crossed many, many months ago. I've told him this, many times, I've tried ignoring him, many times, nothing ever changes. He hit my car this past january, with a company vehicle, causing damage to my driver side front quarter panel, driver side door, and driver side rear quarter panel. My car probably isn't worth much. It's a 1992 Ford Probe LX. If we had gone through insurance they probably would have written my car off. I initially expressed desire to go through insurance, however he (as my SUPERVISOR) told me that if I went through insurance I would be fired because it would jeopardize his driving the company vehicles, I was told he was told this by our boss. Turns out that's not true, our boss never said that, but I know him threatening me with wrongful dismissal as my supervisor is illegal in itself. Eventually we hashed out an agreement, he'd pay me 400 dollars towards a car his friend has... well, it's April, and that's not materialized at all, so I asked him today when he'd give me the 400 bucks. He said he can't afford it, so now I can.. suck it up, or go through insurance. So months later, I'm screwed again. Awesome.

So that's part of the issue, there's a little side to this too. I've been sick the last two days, unable to really breathe, or.. sleep, so I took two days to rest and such. Called my boss' work line, left him a voicemail because i'd had an impossible time sleeping. I repeated this for the second day. Upon my arrival to work today, the co-worker in question had asked me if I wanted to grow up and be an actor, I asked him what he meant by that. He claimed that my boss let everyone in the shop listen to my voicemail and that it sounded fake, and that I wasn't really sick (I still AM sick, I'm STILL in great pain when I cough, or sneeze, or.. BREATHE) and it was all bullshit. This really bothered me, as it was no one's business but my bosses, and mine. So I ask my boss about it. He has no idea what my co-worker was talking about. Awesome. So I ask my co-worker about it again, he says it never really happened, that my boss only came downstairs and said that I actually did sound terrible. Apparently my co-worker then asked if I should be nominated for an oscar. That I can deal with, that's ribbing.. everything else is not. So, I was working in the back room today and saw things etched/written into the wall.

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v694/kankraka/?action=view&current=Image100.jpg

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v694/kankraka/?action=view&current=Image103.jpg

Awesome, slander, and it's on the goddamn walls I have to work around!

I even get to put up with the fact that I never get half the work I have to get done, done, because he's being a moron, wasting company time, and company materials to just pass the time.

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v694/kankraka/?action=view&current=Image118.jpg

he made nunchucks, they took him an hour to make, and another hour of screwing with keys to get the rings to chain it together. We had work to do last week, that's what he did. He proceeded to threaten me with them after. My only solace was in the fact he nailed himself in the back of the head shortly after.

So basically that's the story there, I sorta wanna take legal action, as I can't work with him, it's hit the point where I don't want to come into work for 8 hours only to get ripped on constantly, I'm sorry, my shop is supposed to be a place of business, not a high school.

Second story, not as pressing.. but interesting, and with pictures!

This is the street upon which my shop resides, it may be familiar to Edmontonians, if anything the Trenton Cold Storage sign, previously Gainers, gives it right away.

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v694/kankraka/?action=view&current=Image116.jpg

This is a pile of jugs that previously held Sulphuric Acid.

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v694/kankraka/?action=view&current=Image109.jpg

This is a stack of MSDS I had to peel OFF the jugs so it's not INCREDIBLY obvious to the city what I'm about to do.

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v694/kankraka/?action=view&current=Image107.jpg

THIS IS HECKIN POISON!

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v694/kankraka/?action=view&current=Image108.jpg

This is the jugs, freshly rinsed out and dumped into our sump, which we later pump out around the back of the building. The co-worker in question can be partially seen in these two shots, he wouldn't get out of the way.

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v694/kankraka/?action=view&current=Image111.jpg
http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v694/kankraka/?action=view&current=Image110.jpg

This is said jugs, all strapped together!

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v694/kankraka/?action=view&current=Image112.jpg

The dumpster is sitting silent, behind the shop.

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v694/kankraka/?action=view&current=Image113.jpg

IT IS HUNGRY! BLAAAAAAARH!

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v694/kankraka/?action=view&current=Image115.jpg

NOM NOM NOM POISONS TO BE PUT IN OUR FRIGGIN LAND FILLS!

http://smg.photobucket.com/albums/v694/kankraka/?action=view&current=Image114.jpg

My biggest issue with this, is they're never really rinsed out all that well unless -I- do it. Even then it's just getting dumped down into our sump, where it festers with everything else that gets dumped in there until someone pumps it out behind the shop. The design flaw with these jugs is that about a quarter inch of pure, 1800 weight acid, remains in the bottom of the jugs unless you shake it all out. None of us around here are gonna shake around 1800, that's stupid, it burns pretty good when it drops on you. So all that extra acid gets rinsed into the sump, pumped outside, and the city says "hey guys, you've got super fuckin' toxic soil!' I mean, yeah, it's diluted, but it's still not exactly great for the environment, or.. the city water quality, ect ect. But, that's part of my job, is to do this once every two months or so.

My advice required, what do I do.. I'm seriously considering legal action for the harassment, I just need to know how to go about it in the correct way. I want to go after possible lost salary because I can no longer stand working in the shop with such harassment going on. I need to do this correctly or I'll fall flat on my face... any recommendations?

kankraka @ 2008-04-03T21:30:00

2008-04-04T03:31:50Z

I think, even if I am sick today.. and the last couple days, even with how everything has been so up and down, uncertain, and emotionally draining over the last 6 months.. that I'm actually quite happy at this very moment in time. I miss this feeling :)

oh god.....

2008-01-19T07:59:39Z

what have i done......

kankraka @ 2007-11-12T00:59:00

2007-11-12T07:59:39Z

man, today was also a totally wicked awesome fun day!

kankraka @ 2007-11-05T23:23:00

2007-11-06T06:25:12Z

As far as I've gotten, as hard as I've fought, no matter how happy I feel...

...without, it still feels like I'm spinning my tires.

kankraka @ 2007-11-04T13:30:00

2007-11-04T20:31:19Z

I just want to say I had a WONDERFUL evening last night :D.

kankraka @ 2007-10-28T21:55:00

2007-10-29T03:55:39Z

Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps, for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be.
- William Hazlitt

kankraka @ 2007-10-28T07:38:00

2007-10-28T14:40:23Z

And so it begins, despite my best efforts to delay, shorten, or flat out stop it.

I hope you know what you're doing, the risk you are taking.. but this choice is yours entirely, you have to live with it. Tuesday afternoon will show whether or not your gamble paid off.. or left you broken.

kankraka @ 2007-10-27T12:19:00

2007-10-27T18:31:53Z

Gut feelings...

I hate it when they are always right.

My room mate Jason and I talked about this the other day... just, that feeling you get deep in your stomach, where you know you're being lied to, and things just aren't how they seem. Him and I seemingly have never been wrong on this feeling. And today I was proven right again. Sorta makes you feel pretty worthless. Like all your efforts, hopes, dreams, everything.. was in vain. The only reason the few small arguments there were happened were because of that third party involved. The seemingly oblivious third party. Though, I could be wrong on that... maybe they do know, and the next two days are their last ditch effort in keeping things the way they are. Unfortunately for me, ... and for the second party, I do not think I'll be able to keep things up like this after that. Though I don't really know what to do at all anyways.

I don't really know what else to write, I just want respect enough to not be lied to I suppose, it's not really that much to ask. I just want to not feel used, like a tool, and a something to satisfy someone else's own needs because certain others don't fulfill them.

I am a person, a loving, caring, respecting individual, and despite my greatest attempts, I seem to be shown I'm not worth it time and time again. Even then, I get up, dust myself off... and try again. I just fear one day, I'm not going to get up again.

!

2007-10-26T15:22:25Z

HEY! SNOW! GET THE FUCK OUT! D:!

ramblings (finished 920pm)

2007-10-25T03:20:08Z

D'ya ever wonder if you have the strength to keep it up? The spirit is willing, but the proverbial flesh is spongy and bruised? Now I know you're a bunch of friggin' perverts, so I'll clear up any misconception.. this is not a sexual issue, I am still the king at that when it comes to the woman I love. And modest too, seriously :P.

In any event I mean emotionally; sometimes my goal seems so far away, and others.. it feels like it's just in reach. I know the person I am pursuing must feel like they are under a tremendous amount of stress and pressure because of it all; they also must be quite confused as to how to go about things. I don't blame them, I don't know how I would handle that situation either.. I don't even know how to handle the one I am in all that well, but I'm doing my best. Things seem to be as they were before, very good, happy, lots of fun for both of us. Honestly the only thing really missing.. is the officialness of it all. Everything -everything- is normal, well, I wouldn't even say normal.. it's better than it was before, all of it. More respect, more understanding, more freedoms, more trust... just.. Really, everything is how it -should- have been the first time. There are a lot of regrets from before, a lot of things I feel guilty about, and all of them I have tried very hard to remedy, and promise that it will never ever been anywhere near like that again. I have done everything I can to create the best possible situation I can. I'm really proud of what's happened recently, things have definitely been getting far better with each passing day.

However, it's not to say its without issues.. it's a learning process for both of us, but because of the understanding, and far more mutual respect, it's easier to get through. Mostly it's our own insecurities that get the best of us, well.. aside from the biggest unresolved issue.. But that is gonna take a lot to change, I'm told when the time is right it will change.

That's where the issue comes in for me anyways, where I wonder if I'll have the strength to keep going, the mental prowess to endure it any longer. It's not easy, at all.. In fact it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I put myself on the line emotionally and physically every day and give it my very best. For now it's working, very well... I just fear that it may stop.

I've already mentioned that the only thing really missing is the officialness of it, the actual act of one asking the other.

...all that is missing, is that one, first kiss.. to make all the dreams a reality.

:\

2007-10-18T05:11:11Z

Why does something so right, so perfect, so amazing.....
....have to make everything so complicated..

First update in a while, surely to lead to some questions or whatever.

2007-10-14T18:36:33Z

boku wa kawaita namida de
mainichi kurashite'ru
hayaku kaette kite

ame no hi mo kaze no hi mo
mainichi sanpo shite ageru

dakara hayaku
hayaku kaette kite

test

2007-10-14T17:08:41Z

this is a test

only a test

test over

kankraka @ 2007-04-05T23:35:00

2007-04-06T05:36:53Z

You have reached the end of the Fox den. The only way from here, is out.